For those of you that are new to the website, I’ve spent 2018 ranking games for my “best of” end of the year ranking. With every review, the ranking is subject to change. What may end up being my “game of the year” today, could easily change with the next review. Something else that’s important to note is that I try and write my reviews a little differently. With every game, I try and find a way to write an article in a creative way that mirrors the actual game. Some games are easier than others so when reading these, be gentle with the criticism. I’m trying my best. Either way though, whether it’s a trainwreck or something you end up enjoying, I just hope you have fun reading it.
J. Jonah Jameson: Welcome to Just The Facts with J. Jonah Jameson and today I’m opening up on the incredibly serious topic of crosswalks and how the citizens of this great city need to remember that when using one of the city’s many crosswalks to keep an out for FALLING DEBRIS CAUSED FROM ONE OF THE MANY CITY DESTROYING FIGHTS THAT SPIDER-MAN IS CONSTANTLY CAUSING. I wouldn’t be shocked to find out if this menace when he’s not running around the city in PJ’s if he ran some construction company. INTERN! Find out which construction company is getting hired to repair all of Spider-Man’s chaos. That’s right folks, by the end of today’s episode I will be revealing the true identity of Spider-Man. Before we get to that though, I see that our phone lines are on fire and I’m now left wondering why my moron intern hasn’t put any callers through.
Intern: The show just started sir…
J. Jonah Jameson: This is why you will never make it in this business. The golden rule is to always give the people what they want and what they want right now is to talk to me. Caller, you’re live with best selling author J. Jonah Jameson, speak!
Caller #1: Yeah, um, hi. So I just thought it was only fair to mention that Spider-man isn’t the one causing all of the damage.
J. Jonah Jameson: Is that so? Then tell me genius, who is?
Caller #1: Well, we’ve seen the guys that Spider-Man has to take on. Whether it’s King Pin, Electro, Rhino… there’s even that one guy that can’t die.
J. Jonah Jameson: I’m sure you have a point in all of this?
Caller #1: My point is that Spider-Man is just one guy doing his best against a pretty wild group of guys. Yeah, the city gets beat up but if he wasn’t around, who knows how bad things might get. On top of that, he looks so cool saving the day that all the kids in my class love him. He’s like a role model to them.
J. Jonah Jameson: Wait, you’re a teacher?
Caller #1: Yeah, wh- – (click)
J. Jonah Jameson: INTERN!!! From now on I want these callers screened!
Intern: Yes, sir.
J. Jonah Jameson: This explains what’s wrong with the youth of today. How can these millennials be expected to succeed once they get out of high school if they’re being taught by complete idiots like this guy!?
Intern: Uh… sir? Most millennials are actually in their 30’s.
J. Jonah Jameson: Yeah, and because they’re being taught by idiots like that last caller, they’re still stuck in high school!!! As for these so-called bad guys that Spider-Man is constantly fighting, I wouldn’t be shocked if Spider-Man is in cahoots with these guys. That menace is probably on the phone with Vulture right now coming up with some scheme so that Spider-Man’s construction company can get to work on repairing another building. What was the other thing he said? That the kids in his classroom look up to Spider-Man? Why? Because he has more suits than some hip-hop guy has jewelry? Is it because he looks so “cool” when he’s swinging around the city? GIVE ME A BREAK, AND WHY AM I NOT TALKING TO ANOTHER CALLER?!
Caller #2: I just wanted to say that I think you are being incredibly unfair to Spider-Man, right now. You mention the times when the city gets messed up but what about all the times where he’s helping the city and nothing gets destroyed.
J. Jonah Jameson: A time when he didn’t destroy the city? Oh, this should rich. Please, ma’am, continue.
Caller #2: Well, I was over by the pier and I saw Spider-Man swing in, obviously, and he started swinging over the water while he was releasing some kind of smoke.
J. Jonah Jameson: AH HA! Do you hear this, folks? When Spider-Man isn’t destroying the buildings of this great city, he’s going after the aquatic life. Makes sense when you consider that the greatest predator to most fish is the spider!
Caller #2: Actually, he said that there was some kind of chemical that was poisoning the fish and whatever he was releasing would clean up the water and give the fish a chance to live. It seemed kind of tedious, but he’s Spider-Man. Big or small, he gets the job done.
J. Jonah Jameson: Big or small… WHAT ARE YOU, HIS PUBLICIST! Here’s an idea, why don’t we take a little break while my MORON of an intern swims through this river of crazies that seem to all love Spider-Man. When we come back I assure you that the next caller will be someone who actually knows what they’re talking about.
Commercial: Hello true believers! When was the last time you headed down to Mick’s? I know, I know, some of you may be surprised to discover that we’re now serving Italian BUT due to popular demand, we still serve our famous french fries. Best in the city! Don’t believe me, then come on down to Mick’s. Excelsior!
J. Jonah Jameson: Welcome back to Just The Facts. I’m your host 4-time nominee for Best Podcast in New York, J. Jonah Jameson and before the break, I was discussing the fact that Spider-Man destroys the city on purpose because he secretly owns his construction company. INTERN! Do you have the name of the owner of that construction company!
Intern: Not yet sir.
J. Jonah Jameson: Remind me why I pay you again?
Intern: um… you don’t.
J. Jonah Jameson: And with good reason! Next caller!
Caller #3: Mr. Jameson, long time listener first-time caller and I just wanted to say that I couldn’t agree more with everything you’ve been saying about Spider-Punk for all of these years.
J. Jonah Jameson: Finally, someone who knows what they’re talking about. Caller, please continue.
Caller #3: As far as I’m concerned Spider-Man deserves everything he gets. See, people don’t really think about it all that much but underneath that mask, he’s just a regular guy like anyone else. He probably has day-to-day struggles just like you and me and I say good. I wouldn’t even be shocked if when he’s out in the world quote on quote fighting crime, that he’s had some slip-ups and someone he’s cared about has died.
J. Jonah Jameson: Uh…
Caller #3: And to that, I say good! For years he’s been swinging around the city with his dumb costume, impressing everybody, but it brings me joy to know that he’s failed at least once and had to go home and deal with the fact that he’s let someone he cared about down. In fact Mr. Jameson, I think that’s what you should write your next book about. The idea of Spider-Man’s failures eating him up inside when he’s home all alone. What do you thi– (click)
Intern: Boss, you okay?
J. Jonah Jameson: To my audience, I understand that there has only been one other time during this show’s existence in which I thanked Spider-Man for saving the city, but it’s moments like this that I’m forced to ask myself if I’ve maybe taken things too far. Is Spider-Man a menace? Absolutely. Is there a chance that he’s destroying the city in pre-determined fights with other super villains so that the construction company he secretly owns can profit off of the repairs? 100 percent. With that being said, the thought of my words making someone think that it was okay to revel in the possible death of someone’s loved one really makes me rethink everything I’ve done in my career. Spider-Man may be what’s wrong with this city but at the end of the day, the reason so many morans love him is because he’s just like all of them. Just another sap trying to make it through the day while being the best person he can be… Wait, what’s this? BREAKING NEWS, the owner of the construction company is none other than Mayor Osborn. Is this why Norman has recently gone into hiding? Did he start to realize that former Journalism major J. Jonah Jameson was going to uncover the truth that he and Spider-Man are working together!? For more on this late-breaking news keep your ears pinned to Just The Facts. More after these words from our sponsors!
While I tried my best to convey some of the positives in the game while writing this, let’s be honest, I really just wanted to write my own episode of Just The Facts. Anytime this segment would show up in the game, I absolutely loved it and that’s what makes Spider-Man such an incredible game. It’s filled with so many little moments like this that by the time you reach the end of the game, you realize that you have 100’s of amazing moments that you’ve experienced. Yes, swinging around the city is incredible, yes, the photo mode is amazing, and yes, the combat feels nearly perfect, but what I absolutely loved the most about this game is the writing. It’s why I wrote this article the way I did. I honestly just wanted to write something that I thought could stand alongside this incredibly well-told story. Something that someone might read and think, “Wow, it’s like I found a deleted scene that no one knew existed.” And even if I wasn’t able to put someone back inside that amazing world, the game’s so good that it was worth a shot.
Final Score: 9.75 (The Mighty Ducks Trilogy)