Kingdom Hearts 3 Doesn’t Want You

 

With the latest Kingdom Hearts 3 trailer’s release, I, someone who has never played a game in the series, is immediately reminded that newcomers are not welcome. Don’t get me wrong, I would love to play this game, but there is so much happening in this latest trailer and I have absolutely no idea what is happening. How is someone in my position suppose to jump into this series? And I don’t want to hear anyone suggest that I go buy the HD releases on PS4. Even the idea of someone needing to spend that much time to understand what’s happening in an upcoming game is quite possibly the most ludicrous thing ever imagined. There are currently 20 movies in the Marvel Cinematic Universe and even though you don’t need to watch all 20 to catch up, if you did choose to that, it would take you literally 1/100th of the time that it would take someone just to get through the first Kingdom Hearts game.

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And to prove to the world that I’m 100% correct, I will be doing a quick breakdown of the latest Kingdom Hearts 3 trailer. I promise you, when I’m finished, you will realize that Square Enix has made the video game equivalent to the Little Rascal’s He-Man Woman Haters Club and yes, in this scenario, I am in fact, Darla.

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Who are these people? Where’s the Disney? Where are the keys that are actually swords? Wait a minute! One character in black, another in white, both playing chess while talking about the big picture… are these Gods talking about what’s happening in the game? Is Kingdom Hearts one of those RPGs that’s trying to be smart? Is Kingdom Hearts NieR with Disney characters?  Maybe I was wrong about Kingdom Hearts.

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And here we go! My boys (and ladies) from Big Hero 6 hanging out with Donald and Goofy and their… grandson? I don’t know what’s happening here, but DISNEY!!!

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If anyone knows what’s happening here, feel free to let me know.

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And we go from weird Tron/Guitar Hero gameplay to Mickey Mouse and his… grandson(?)

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Here’s hoping there’s an explanation for why Goofy’s grandkid can jump into different movies. Also, remember Tangled?

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If Jack Sparrow isn’t lost, I can guarantee I am.

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Where’s Elsa? What happened? What did you do to Elsa you sons of bitches!?

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Finally, someone has started asking the right questions… wait! If you don’t know the answer to this, then how am I?

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Who are you balding, earing man? Who are your grandparents? Chip? Dale?

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This moment right here perfectly sums up why my claims are correct. Goofy and Donald Duck’s grandson are talking to some blonde kid with antlers about the number 13 while a character from Frozen just hangs out in the background. I’m sure newcomers will have NO PROBLEM jumping into the series.

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Who are these people? Also, why is that kid in the photo on the left, but missing in the one on the right? Is this a Back to The Future situation? Is Back to The Future in Kingdom Hearts because that would be awesome.

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What the fuck is happening?

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Who is he? What’s the plan? WHO ARE YOU??? HOW MANY WAYS CAN I SAY THAT I’M CONFUUUUUUUUSED??!?!

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Yeah… Riku, how could you betray him/her? Wait, “always been trying to one-up each other?” Are these two just Goku and Vegeta? Is Kingdom Hearts secretly Dragon Ball Z? Keep talking to me Kingdom Hearts.

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Metal Gear? Daft Punk? All jokes aside, does this image mean anything to anyone?

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Insert joke about emo music I loved when I was 18…

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Just keep it moving. No need to even stop and ask.

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Wait? This is only the beginning??? I thought this was supposed to be the finale!

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